My father is currently in a nursing home in Salem, VA suffering from advanced Multiple Sclerosis, which has left him unable to walk, clothe or feed himself, and the majority of the time, unable to speak clearly.  Because I have so many feelings I need to express, and because I am unable to do so privately, I feel that writing it in my blog will allow both me and my posterity to view it and understand and remember.

Dear Dad,
It’s been some time since we really had a chance to talk.  Essentially, the last time you were really strong enough to communicate clearly was just after my mission, around the time you condemned me for being an unworthy son.  Again.  Age, it seems, brings wisdom, if one works at it.  Age, hopefully, has brought me wisdom concerning our relationship.  If not age, then experience as a father myself certainly has qualified me to at least step to the plate.

I had the opportunity the other day to discuss our lack of a relationship with an older co-worker.  I then, the very next day, had the opportunity to return to the Nashville Temple for the first time in some time.  There, in the celestial room, I was brought to a remembrance of the conversation I had participated in the day before.  Obviously, when you’re a young man who has never experience fatherhood, it’s easy to jump to conclusions.  Further, it’s easy to expect perfection from your parents, when you yourself have no such hope.  I acknowledge that I had unrealistic expectations of perfection from both you and Mom. 

I have come to the realization over the past few months, after a spiritual reawakening and a desire to become the father, and the man, our Father in Heaven expects me to be, that the mistakes you made throughout your life, not just where Tammy and I were concerned, but in general, were due to pure ignorance in most cases.  The problem is, that as an attorney, you could never really admit when you didn’t know something.  It’s a trait I picked up from you, unfortunately, that I am still in the process of eliminating.  To be fair, even if you had been able to admit to it, I don’t know that I would have been able to accept it from you.  After all, in my mind, you knew everything.  I worry that sometimes, in your mind, you felt you did know everything about the specific subject we were discussing, but I digress. 

Looking back on my childhood, I realize now that you were depressed even then.  Your seeming inability to get out of bed and go to work were not just laziness.  I don’t believe you were a lazy person, I believe you were seriously depressed.  Had you been born 30 years later, as Tammy was, you would have been diagnosed and treated.  That depression certainly had an impact on everyone around you.  The situation in which you currently find yourself is indicative of that impact.  You have isolated yourself, at least 100 miles from everyone who loves you.  There is no real reason for the isolation, that I know of, other than depression.  You have found yourself in the bottom of a pit of depression, and it’s easier to stay there than to fight to get out.

When I spoke with my co-worker, he expressed his admiration for my self-confidence, and my desire to make other people happy.  After telling him of some of the difficult times we had, he was surprised that I ended up so confident.  I realized from that conversation that you outwardly expressed confidence in me and bragged on me to other people, and that’s where my sense of self-worth came from.  I wish to express my gratitude for that.  It has helped me become who I am today.  But there is still that nagging insecurity that comes from being told that I was wrong behind closed doors.  That insecurity that comes from being told that, despite my having served an honorable mission, and focusing on my education as we are to do, that I was an ungrateful son, and a failure.  I believe, with all of my heart, that it was the depression talking when you said those hurtful things.

But here’s the blessing of all of this: the rough times we had as I grew to be a teenager and older helped me to understand things now that I never could have.  I remember, these 15 years later, that when I was emotionally broken as a flunked out student at BYU and at my rock-bottom, it was you who drove thousands of miles to come get me.  I remember that it was you who stood by me for the next 2 years as I continued to struggle with honesty and with who I was to be.  And it was you who went with me, on that glorious day, to the Washington Temple to receive my own endowment and the blessings there associated with it. 

I have come to the realization that you were just a confused, lost father struggling to do what was right, as you thought.  You just got it a little bit wrong with Mom and Tammy and I.  You used to always tell me that Tammy couldn’t love others because she didn’t love herself.  I think, in many ways, that was an introspective statement.  I think you felt abandoned by your family.  You tried to do what was right from a spiritual standpoint, and you just got ridiculed and mocked by your brothers and sisters.  You tried to lead your home as a patriarch, but you just took it too far sometimes.  I know how that feels, because as a father, I have made similar mistakes.  My mistakes were more along the lines of apathy, rather than abuse; call it spiritual neglect, if you will.  But I’m trying to change that.  Oh, how I wish that you could know me as a father now.  Oh, how I wish, that you had been strong enough to fight your disease, rather than to lie down and let it destroy you physically and mentally.  Oh, how I truly desire for you to be able to pass on to the other side, so you can see these things with your spiritual eyes.

I forgive you, Dad, for the mistakes you made.  I ask for your forgiveness for the multitude I made.  Hugh Nibley said that there are really only two things that humans can do that angels can’t: forgive and repent.  That takes care of both of them.  I love you, Dad, not in spite of your imperfections.  I love you because of them.  I’ve never stopped loving you as my father, even when I haven’t liked you very much.  That continues today.  I hope we’ll be able to reunite on the other side to say what needs to be said then.

The last month of my life has been pretty amazing.  For the first time in quite a few years, I've really put spiritual things first.  I've really made a habit of praying, and not just standard little "thank you for this day..." prayers; honest, true, devoted communication with my Father in Heaven.  I think it's related to Owen's baptism (which is Saturday), but I also think it's just due to time.  There are so many things I have been blessed with: talents, health, a wonderful family, an outstanding wife, etc.  But I've really come to realize that my most wonderful blessing is the eternal atonement of Jesus Christ.  I've always believed in the Atonement, but generally in how it applied to others.  In the past month, I've taken the opportunity to really understand how the atonement is for me as well, and what peace I've felt as a result of it.

 I felt so hopeless before.  I haven't committed any grave sins, but just the accumulation of small indiscretions had led to a loss of peace, understanding, and vision.  Repentance, which is only available through the atonement, is the defogger for the soul.  

The best lesson I can share about this is one of personal accountability.  In my case, what it really took for me to truly repent, was to first acknowledge what I had done.  It's a Primary answer, as to how the steps of repentance work, but I just never really got it until now.  You really have to take personal responsibility for what you have done.  You can't blame anyone else; it's PERSONAL responsibility.  That understanding of personal responsibility has helped me understand my role as a leader at work better.  It's helped me understand my role as a father better.  It's helped me understand my role as a husband better.  It's even helped me understand my role as a son better.

I've always known that I was endowed with spiritual gifts for leadership.  It was made quite obvious to me in my youth that I was to be a leader.  I think I got so distracted by the things of the world that I just forgot that fact, and in fact, tried to fight being a leader.  The time has come to grow up and accept what I have to do.  I have to be a leader, and that starts with being a leader in my home.  Zoni has often said that she wants me to lead, and I never really wanted to take the reins, but it's time.  It's past time, but in order to move ahead, you have to look forward, not back.  I'm looking ahead to great blessings.  I'm looking forward to returning to the temple with my sweet eternal companion, and enjoying the peace of heaven that can only be felt there on the earth.  I'm looking forward to enjoying every day that I'm able to wake up and pray.  It's nice to have the fog cleared.  It's miraculous to have experienced that mighty change of heart...

Life has a fun way of surprising you.  Last weekend, I got a call from the commissioner of the White House Youth Soccer League and he asked if I would be willing to coach Zander's team this year.  Apparently, coaches are a little hard to come by in White House (probably due, at least in part, to the city's obsession with baseball) so because I had volunteered to be an Assistant Coach, he asked if I could just take on the Head Coach role.  I accepted, and yesterday was the "draft".  I have to explain, the draft consisted of the 5 coaches picking applications out of a stack in turn, though it probably wouldn't have mattered, as I didn't know these kids from Cain and Abel (get it?  Adam's kids?  Yeah, it's early).

Anyway, I got what appear to be a great collection of boys to play in the U(nder)8 Class.  I never thought I'd say it, but I'm very much looking forward to coaching.  I remember both the good and the bad coaches I had growing up, and this will give me an opportunity to practice some managerial skills away from work.  We'll have some exhausted kids I'm sure, as in U8, they play 5 on 5 with a goalie, and a larger field.  They'll be running to death.

Funny note, Zander is the smallest kid on the team, from what I can tell, and is certainly the second youngest.  I hope he's not too overwhelmed, and I hope he's grown up enough to not just want to fall down on the field all the time like he did in U5.  Either way, this should be a very fun fall.

They’ve been on hiatus since last year, but FINALLY after months and months, Top Gear is coming back this Sunday night, which means I’ll be visiting Final Gear first thing Monday morning to download the rip of it.  I’ll post more this weekend about Top Gear, but I’m STOKED!

I love Consumer Depot!  Love love love love love them.  Last weekend, I stopped in and bought Guitar Hero III, with the guitar, for the 360 for $39.99.  Turns out it was a demo model, and it didn’t work very well at all.  So I took it, and a few other things I had bought that didn’t work back and got about $75 in credit.

Turns out, this week they apparently got a shipment of XBOX 360 games from the CompUSA meltdown and they are dirt cheap.  Sealed in the box games, including GTA IV for $40.  So, yesterday, I picked up Karaoke Revolution™ Presents: American Idol® Encore, Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2007, and skate. for the $75 in credit I had.  Let me say right now that I understand the hype about skate.  It really is revolutionary compared to Tony Hawk, and so much fun to play.  I only played for about 30 minutes last night and realized just how hard this thing is going to be to master.  It’s hard to go back to real physics when you're used to playing with Tony Hawk (i.e. ridiculous) physics.  But so much better.

I also played Tiger Woods for about 2 hours tonight and I'm really impressed by the graphics and the control scheme.  It must be said, though, that compared to playing on the Wii, it's just not the same playing it on the 360.

The winner of the bunch, by far, was Karaoke Revolution (henceforth KRPAIE), at least for my wife and kids.  She's singing her heart out right now in fact.  I realized that Karaoke just isn't my thing.  I love to sing, used to being my high school Concert Choir and truly enjoy singing choral music, but pop just isn't my bag.  Zoni's absolutely in love with this game that she can play, just by doing what she loves to do anyway.  I'm scared, after seeing all of the downloadable content (DLC) available for it, that we may just end up broke due to KRPAIE downloads.  (Anybody else find it funny that the abbreviation would be phonetically pronounced crappy?)

Either way, she's having fun with the 360 finally, and I'm happy to finally pull her away from our neighbor's Wii.  Maybe I can get her into some other games.

Yes, I am putting on my flame-retardant suit right now…

I’m sick of Mac Arrogance.  Sick to death of it.  What is Mac Arrogance?

Mac Arrogance is the belief that just because a person uses a Mac versus a Windows based PC, he/she is somehow intellectually or creatively superior.  Further, it’s the belief that the only reason Windows users still use Windows is that they haven’t ever used a Mac, and that as soon as they use a Mac, they will somehow be converted to the almighty saving gospel of Apple.  Why?

I am a Windows (Vista, no less) user and I’m PROUD to be one.  I love what Vista gives me.  I love the interface.  I love having more than one button on my mouse.  I love having millions of software options.  I love being able to develop in Visual Studio.  I love being able to run Outlook.  I really love saving money.  The new system I just got from work (the Dell Inspiron I posted about previously) was less than $1500.  I challenge ANYONE to find a Mac Book Pro, with 4GB of RAM, a 256MB NVIDIA 8600GT, 17” WUXGA screen and T8300 processor (with a 3 year warranty) for less than 3 bills.  It just ain’t gonna happen.

The irony of the whole situation to me is that it used to be the opposite.  There was a definite Windows Arrogance.  I suffered from it greatly.  But the pendulum has invariably swung in the opposite direction for some reason, that reason being the cool factor, I think. 

For the record, I’ve used plenty of Macs over the years.  I used Apple IIGS systems in middle school.  I used Lisas for heaven’s sake.  I used to be a paginator for a newspaper and I used a Mac everyday.  It was just as the new G3s were coming out, and while they looked cool, I just didn’t like how slow the OS was, and how my system (running System 8) would crash EVERY day, just as I as getting ready to send the proof of the front page to the printer.  I learned very quickly to save often.  I’ve used OS9, and I’ve used just about every iteration of OS X.  Leopard, when it first came out, was a total nightmare for me.  Everything in the network stack here at work broke.  Using Active Directory slowed these Mac Pro workstations to an absolute crawl.  Granted, they’re still pretty.  The UI is better than Window, I can’t argue with that.  But I just like the feel of Windows better.

So what brought this on?  Simple.  I’m sick and tired of being accused of being closed-minded because I use and prefer Windows.  I’m sick of being labeled as less-cultured because I prefer to work on a cheaper computer that has more options.  I’m sick of this Mac Arrogance that makes it seem that just because I don’t use a Mac, I’m somehow less of a person than a Mac user.

People, it’s just a freaking computer.  It’s not a savior.  The earth does not rotate around Cupertino.  I also prefer Volvos while some people prefer Fords.  That doesn’t make me a tree-hugging, pot-smoking, Birkenstock-wearing, liberal, left-wing peacenik.  It makes me a Volvo driver who enjoys rear-wheel-drive and boost.

The clothes, or in this case, the computer, does not make the man…

Why am I so addicted to Ice Road Truckers on The History Channel?  Season 2 started last night, and while I haven’t watched it from my DVR yet (because I was too busy watching Season 1, and the Ax Men finale), I can’t wait.  I don’t get it!  It’s a show about a group of (sorry) rednecks driving trucks across an Ice Road.  I don’t care about trucking really, I could care less about diamond, and I don’t find the guys on the show all that likeable, so why do I like it so much?

After receiving a new Dell Inspiron 1720 from work as my main laptop (T8300 CPU (2.4 Core2Duo), 4GB RAM, 320GB HDD, 256MB NVIDIA 8600M GT), since I finally had some real hard drive space and RAM (coming from a 2GB system with a 100GB Hard Drive), I decided it was time to enter the virtual world.

Granted I’m only using Microsoft Virtual PC 2007 SP1, but I decided to install the x64 version of Vista as the host OS, as it makes the most sense for 3+GB RAM.  Already I’ve noticed how much faster it seems to run than the base x86 install I did literally last week.  I’m running x86 Vista Business in the VM, and will be installing Visual Studio 2008, SP1 Beta, SQL 2008 RC1 (came out last week) and the Expression Studio.  Thank goodness for MSDN!!!

So many people have said that virtual is the way to go for development, as you can just blow away your OS and start over with a snapshot whenever you want.  Sounds good to me, as I tend to beta test TONS of stuff, and sometimes I can screw up a computer really quickly.

I’ll have to post more when I get deeper into it.  Hopefully that level of separation between it and my base OS will ensure that VS gets enough resources to not bring things to a crawl (as it’s prone to do).  As a note, Vista installs REALLY quickly on this machine!  I’m so sick of reading negative article after negative article about Vista.  I know that I’m a fan boy of Microsoft, I get that.  But I’ve had good luck with Vista since the beginning.  I’ve had FAR better luck with Vista than I had with early builds (including RTM and SP1) of XP.  XP matured into a great OS, but there’s sooooo much I use in Vista that I miss whenever I go back to XP, and I just don’t see the reason to lose those things because other people say it sucks.

Personally, I think the only reason most people say it sucks is that it:

a. Doesn’t have the almighty Apple logo on it
b. Is different from the norm of XP
c. Listen to the pundits who just dislike anything Microsoft

Oh well, if they don’t like it, more fun for me…

First, the definition, or at least etymology of riceboyler.  In my slightly younger years, I used to be really big into sport compact cars.  I still love a good hot hatch, but I've moved on to boosted European cars (like my two Volvos), which hopefully will be joined by Porsche 944 Turbo in the future.  Anyway, I digress.  As many people know, a term of some disrespect for those who tend to make their Hondas look much faster than they really are, is riceboy.  I owned, at the time, a (relatively) quick Dodge Neon, which was mistaken for many people as a Japanese car.  So I decided I would name it the riceboyler.  In that it would boil the riceboys who tried to race it.  The nickname kinda stuck, and I've used it ever since.  Some people believe it's a derogatory term intended to belittle people of Asian descent, but that's certainly not my use of it.

Yeah, that's me.  In fact, that was my 31st birthday, in 2006.  My name is Jason Clark.  I was born in Rochester, New York on Saint Patrick's Day in 1975.  Turns out, I was born to a couple of unwed parents who decided the best thing for me would be to put me up for adoption through LDS (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, of which I'm a member) Social Services.  Well, I got adopted by my parents in Virginia, and to this day, I've never met my birth parents.  Being a parent now, I do have some interest in finding out about their history, but for now, I'll be happy with the great parents that got to choose me.  I grew up in the sleepy little town of Waynesboro, VA, at the base of the Blue Ridge Mountains, with my older sister, Tammy (who turns 40 this year, old fart... ;)) 

After a relatively rough time in High School, trying to "find myself", I finally did at Brigham Young University.  Honestly, that probably had more to do with my age than it had to do with my surroundings, as I found I really didn't belong in Happy Valley.  Don't get me wrong, I loved the Y, but it just wasn't for me, and they let me know that... in a letter asking me not to return because it seems I did a bit too much "finding myself" and not quite enough studying.  Oh well.  Lesson learned, right?

I served a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in the Boston, MA area.  While on my mission, I met the future best man at my wedding, Sean, who told me about the Recording Industry Program at Middle Tennessee State University in Murfreesboro, TN.  Well, one thing led to another and I ended up at MTSU,  in the Recording program.  At the very beginning of the second semester at MTSU, I met her. ->

That's the love of my life, my eternal companion, and my best friend, Zoni.  Her parents actually named her Xandria but that's entirely too precocious, so she prefers just plain Zoni. 

Anyway, we got married after 4 months of dating.  9 months later, we (meaning she) was pregnant with our first child, Owen, who was born in the year 2000, just a year before the terrorist attacks on 9/11/2001.  I've always found it interesting that our children will grow up in a totally different world than we did.  Anyway, Owen was the joy of our lives, but we decided he wasn't enough of a challenge, so we decided to try again. 

23 months later, we got our challenge.  Actually, Zoni met with challenges before he was even born.  While she was 4 months pregnant, she fell at church, and her knee essentially exploded.  Turns out she had a non-cancerous bone tumor that had essentially replaced her knee with tumor.  She had to have surgery, with local anesthetic only at 5 months pregnant with Zander.  He's our entertainer.  He's almost totally the opposite of his brother in almost every way.  It's amazing that two kids who share the same genes can be so entirely different from each other.

  Finally, our little family was balanced out by the arrival of her majesty the Princess, aka Lauralynn.  She was born a princess, and still acts like one today 3 and a half years later.  She is so completely adorable, and somehow at the same time, so completely frustrating at times that I KNOW for a fact that I'm in big trouble as she gets older.  I'm not sure if it's a blessing that she's a momma's girl or not, but for now, I'll take it.

My life is consumed by taking care of all them by working.  Luckily, I love my job.  I work for the best company EVAR, cj Advertising (really freaking cool website too, so check it out.  It's far better than this rubbish...) as a Senior Web Developer/Project Lead.  I develop in ASP.NET using C#.  You can see my work blog here.  In my spare time, I do the web site for the Mobile Electronics Competition Association, and judge for MECA as well.  MECA is a car-audio sports organization dedicated to making it fun and fair to be loud and sound good.

We currently live in White House, TN, a very nice little community about 25 miles north of Nashville, TN.  We're slowing becoming more active in the community, as we like it here, and plan to have the kids in school here until they graduate.

Other than that, I'm addicted to boost, as supplied by turbo charged cars.  I've owned in the past few years a Dodge Omni GLH Turbo, 2 Shelby CSXs (#76 and #657), a Dodge Daytona Turbo, and 2 Volvo 740 Turbo Wagons.  I currently own a Dodge Lancer Shelby Turbo (that I'm getting ready to part out), a 1990 Volvo 760 Turbo Wagon (daily-driver) and a 1981 Volvo 242 Turbo Coupe, that's my project.  I also enjoy gaming, mostly on my XBOX 360, but I'll also play the crap out of Civilization IV on the PC.

Honestly, as I sit here and type this, I'm very happy with life.  I'm very well blessed.  I am well provided for in all means: spiritually, physically, financially, and by a great family.  I am a lucky riceboyler...

For some reason, until now, I have never really thought it was important for me to have my web hosting be in ASP.NET.  Luckily, thanks to a great deal from a great host (Reliable Site), I’m now on .NET hosting.  I’ll post more later tonight, and really do plan on blogging somewhat religiously going forward.